An Uncomfortable Privilege Walk

Source: An Uncomfortable Privilege Walk

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Of Prophets and Doom Miracles

I would like a front row seat to these churches where so-called prophets do the most. The latest one has people believing they will be cured of whatever is ailing them when he sprays them with Doom. Now, if you live in Africa, you know very well that Doom is an insect killer and has instructions on the can for you not to spray on yourself.

But lo and behold ladies and gentlemen, we have a man of God going around spraying people with this very Doom we use to kill roaches, spiders and mosquitoes, in the name of a miracle. He says he is using unorthodox ways to cure people.

I call bullshit on this and all other such shenanigans. You so-called prophets will have people eating grass, sleeping with you in the name of a breakthrough. Y’all need to stop preying on desperate people and go make an honest living.

You strip these poor people of the very little that they have in the name of sowing a seed. Every week, you are asking people to ‘sow a seed’. How come these seeds never germinate? Stop this daylight robbery and do some actual work.

And to you people who believe you will be healed from any and all ailments because some prophet sprayed Doom on you, get your head out of the clouds. Simple common sense will teach you that Doom is harmful and yet you allow someone to spray it in your face. I know this is downright desperation but come on! What happened to praying? What happened to good old anointing oil?

I don’t recall any such shenanigans in the Bible that these people supposedly learn from. Do yourself a favor and read the Bible by yourself. Just do some light reading on your own, not when you’re in church and the pastor tells you to open scripture.

It’s so sad how these people are exploiting those less fortunate than them. It has to stop! Doom will likely kill you instead of healing you. Wake up!!

And that seed you are about to sow into that man’s life for the umpteenth time? Don’t do it. Save it. Use it for something. Start a business if you can. Stop enriching people peddling false miracles out there.


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I Could See a Doctor. Or I Could Get a Pain Killer…

To all the men out there, this is my humble plea to you. To all the women out there, as you take care of your families, do not forget to take care of yourself.

Sunday night I lost a cousin who was in his mid forties. He passed on in his home. Could his death have been prevented? Maybe. But we will never know. He was one of those that stubbornly refused to see a doctor when he wasn’t feeling well, preferring like most people to either “let it pass” or self diagnose and self medicate.

He started feeling unwell sometime last year but of course choked it down to the typical stomach bug, and stress. Even when he started losing weight, the answer was always the same; He would even joke about it saying he needed the weight loss anyway. Maybe he could lose his beer tummy.

After all, didn’t we complain he had gained weight? And so it continued. And because of the jovial person he was, everyone believed him and went on their merry way. Also, we don’t like confrontations regarding other’s health so walking away is easier. He did insist he’s fine, didn’t he? His wife tried to get him to see a doctor but all he did was buy medicine and take that and of course continue drinking, because he was just fine.

Sunday afternoon, he met his young brother who upon seeing him insisted he go to the hospital and was met with the usual “but I am fine.” After arguing over this, he relented and agreed to see a doctor but only on Monday. His young brother wouldn’t have it and eventually lured him to the hospital, where after the initial test, the doctor simply told him he was too late. He should have come in months earlier. He was given a drip and then sent home where he later died that night.

This is not the first time I have encountered someone dying in this manner, where one refuses to go to the hospital but chooses to self medicate. My father was another who didn’t go to hospitals. Not that he ever got sick. In all my eleven years spent with him, the only time I actually recall him being sick was the time he died.

He suffered a stroke and died. It wasn’t the acute one that leaves you partially paralyzed within minutes. His was slow, starting on Tuesday when he showed up at home around 3 PM from work because he was unwell. He didn’t go to the hospital, just insisted he needed to rest. The following day went on the same way till much later, at about 7 PM at which time he asked to be taken to the hospital (he refused to go all day that day). He died later around 9 PM.

I am basically writing this to appeal to all men (young and old) to please take better care of you. This goes to you my fellow women as well. Self medicating isn’t always the answer. It could be that there’s a bigger problem within the system and you’re merely treating the symptom.

Go for yearly check-ups. This is preventative care and helps catch anything in its early stages if there’s anything serious going on. Learn what your risk factors are and do your best to prevent from getting that disease by eating healthy, exercising and whatever else you can do. Some of us are born with risk factors such as high blood pressure, diabetes, cancer etc because of heritage.

Do not ignore symptoms. Yes, there may be long lines and it is expensive sometimes, but it’s more expensive to die a premature death and leave your loved ones unprepared.

This has been my public service announcement. Do better people. If not for yourself, then do it for the sake of your loved ones.


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5 Things I Have Come To Accept About Myself

  1. I am a stubborn human being. I have been called stubborn from the time I could talk. I choose to believe it’s not being stubborn, more like wanting to learn, soldiering on and sometimes doing things my way. If you really think about it, I am not stubborn at all, just curious which may/is interpreted by others as stubborn. So yeah, stubborn human being.
  2. I am blunt. Which others interpret as rude. I don’t think I am rude. And if I am, I don’t intentionally do it, I happen to utter what goes on in my head. I’ve been told normal people don’t. They think of other ways to say things whereas I just say it as I see it. I am trying to be more aware of how bluntness hurts people. I am a work in progress. I am always of the notion ‘why go around in circles when you can say it point blank. But there’s this thing called feelings, or so I’m learning.
  3. I am socially awkward. I don’t know how to strike up conversations with people I don’t know. Sometimes even with people I know. Maybe after a drink or two I could try but history tells me that doesn’t work either. Most people find this type of behavior anti-social. But I really just don’t know how to socialize. I am like a fish out of water in a social set-up where I don’t know anyone. I’m that person that will cling to you if you take me out and we’re in a place where you’re the only one I know. You’re my lifeline so I am not letting go. And if I do let go, my phone becomes my lifeline.
  4. I am emotionally messed up. I can’t even begin to explain that because even I don’t understand it myself. I have been in a total of four relationships and not once did I fall in love with the person I was with. I have flirted with others but never seem to be emotionally attached to anyone. I have a theory as to why this is but it’s a work in progress as well. Until I figure it out, I guess this trend continues. Or until someone finds that switch that was turned off. There’s that. I do love my friends and family though. I know how to love when it isn’t romantic. Go figure.
  5. I am a loner. There is nothing I enjoy more than spending time by myself doing nothing. Even when invited out, I’d rather be home doing of course nothing. Just left in my head. I suppose this isn’t healthy. I tried being social last year and it was quite interesting and fun. Also, it was very draining. Not because our activities were vigorous or anything but spending so much time around people tends to drain me physically and mentally. This is not to say I don’t enjoy hanging out with other people because I do. When I am ready. And when I want to.

There you have it, five things I am willing to share about me that I have come to accept and learning to love about myself. Maybe if I acknowledge them, accept and love them, I may be able to change some of them. MAYBE. Don’t hold your breath though. I don’t want to be responsible for someone’s accidental death.


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Random Thoughts Thursday

over analyze

Except for the part where there are no tears-Image via google

The question “what do you want?” seems innocent enough and should be quite easy to answer. Unless that person being asked is me and the person asking the question is my very good friend who only asks me this question when he is drinking. I have no idea why. Maybe I do but I just do not want to speculate. I have been asked this at least three times and each time alcohol was involved. Go figure.

In my own big head, and I really do have a big head-not sure how much of a brain its housing and how useful that brain is especially in such circumstances-but anyway, as I was saying, in my own big head, the answer is both simple and complex. Of course you’re dealing with me here so it’s bound to happen that it’s both simple and complex. It’s simple because what I want shouldn’t be that hard. It’s as easy as me responding “you.”

And then it gets complex. Ok, so I want you. What does that mean? Do I want your body, or do I want your mind or do I want the whole package? On a great day, I want the whole package. I don’t have many great days so you can imagine what this means. I usually operate on a meh day and I’m not sure anyone wants to know what’s associated with meh.

So then I’m stuck not answering this question because, a)self preservation and b)do I really know what I want, c)do I really want what I think I want in this moment?

And there are the consequences. I really don’t like to think that far ahead but with my history, sometimes it’s best to think far ahead especially if you love this person and would like to keep them in your life long term. Because he is a great friend. And even he constantly reminds me how he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship. And deep down, I know the friendship would be ruined not because of him but because of me. I suck as a human being in general.

So, what do I want? I want what you want. On a great day I may want more. Those are rare days. Hopefully they come around soon, it’s been long overdue. Can we agree to remain friends, not just any type of friends but great friends, the kind I can call at midnight to rant, or when I need a bed? Because if we can agree to that, then my answer is you. Now, can we discuss the terms and conditions? I hate going into anything blind.


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When Darkness Beckons…

The light is gone from my eyes

Within their  depths  lies sorrow, an overwhelming sadness

I try to laugh but the sound is empty and hollow

Wish as I might, I can’t get out of this pit of darkness

It envelopes me, fitting snugly like a glove

I eat not, drink but a drop

My bed calls for me but sleep eludes me

I lay on my back and stare into nothing

A million thoughts running through my mind

I can barely focus and don’t understand a single thought

It seems they collide into each at the speed of lightening, eventually exploding into stars

I fill the bath in hopes of relief, the full tub inviting

I sink into the water, letting it cover me full length

Finally, some peace settles over me

I let my body go limp and sink further into the water

I close my eyes and hold my breath letting the water over my face

I do not struggle

Instead I give in and let darkness comfort me

My lungs struggle, begging for air

My brain tells me I need oxygen

My sadness tells me I don’t

The darkness wins, providing me with comfort and I happily lean into it

A harsh knock on the door startles me and the spell is broken

Frantically lifting my head and drawing in a breath, I am back from that inviting place

The darkness pulls away, waving goodbye

I get out of the water, sadness creeping back in where it had been kicked out

I long for my friend darkness; I miss its acceptance, its embrace for I feel no pain within that embrace

Alas my friend, I will miss you

One day, maybe we will be reunited and for that day, I long.



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“It’s not corruption if it’s the norm”

Two police women stepped out onto the road, wearing blue knee length skirts, white shirt, black and white hat and white gloves on both hands. They both raised their hands, flagging me down. I pulled over to the side and turned off the engine, waiting.

I knew what they flagged me down for but I was sure I wasn’t driving past the speed limit. Last I had checked I was doing 65 Km/Hr.

After deliberating with my friend, I got out of the car. On one side sat the other police officers, these in beige uniforms. They had set up a stool on either side of them. I walked over to one and he asked me to sit which I did.

“How are you?”

I am fine thank you sir, how are you?

“Good good. You were speeding.”

Sir, I wasn’t speeding. I was driving at 65.

“Not according to our speed reader.”

What did it record?

“Go and ask those ladies that flagged you down.”

I walked over to the ladies knowing they wouldn’t give me anything. The guy that had been driving to my left was faster than I was but he hadn’t been pulled over. So I knew this was futile but I went and inquired anyway.

“You were driving at 77 Km/Hr,” one of the ladies informed me.

Actually I wasn’t. It was 65. I checked. Can you show me where you caught me at 77?

“No I can’t. I just got someone else so yours is gone”. She seemed upset I had the audacity to question her.

Of course I thought to myself. How convenient. I walked back to the gentleman and sat down on the stool. His eyes focused on my left wrist which he turned to read the tat and asked whose name I had inked on myself laughing. He seemed nice.

“Where are you going?”

I’m going to the hospital. My sister is in labor so I’m taking her (This wasn’t a complete lie. Thing is we had already been to the hospital a few hours back but they didn’t need to know that. Or did they? We were currently heading home).

“Where is she?”

In the car. Front passenger’s seat.

“Ok. Well, your fine is K300.”

Sir, I don’t have that money. Only money I have is to spend at the hospital.

“Hmmmm ok what do you have. Bring what you can.”

I walked to the car and brought back K100 and handed it to him.

“You can go madam. And all the best to your sister. Wishing her a safe delivery.”

Thank you sir.

I walked away shaking my head. And just like that I got out of paying K300 which I shouldn’t have been stopped for in the first place.

Only thing is you can’t argue with them despite them not having proof of you doing anything wrong. It’s easier to give them what you have and walk away.

What happens with that money is anyone’s guess. This is a common occurrence as I have been told. Simply offer what you have and your so-called problem goes away.

If you can’t beat them, join them. (SMH)


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Believe In You When No One Else Will


Image via google

Sometimes, it’s the people closest to you that don’t believe in you. They doubt your abilities and your dreams. In their eyes, you can do nothing right. Everything you do seems to them a waste of time. As you do C, they firmly believe you should be doing A. Being in such an environment can seriously weigh you down and alter your path.

You start to feed into what they’re saying especially when things are not working out exactly as you had hoped. You start to believe them. You examine your plan and start seeing flaws that did not exist. You start questioning yourself. What if becomes your companion.

If you are not careful, you abandon your plans and do what they say you should have done in the first place. You discover you are not happy and are worse off than when you were doing C. and the very people that criticized you and told you to do A are back at it, telling you you’re a failure. This is why it is important to know what you stand for otherwise you will fall for anything.

Being in such an environment be it family or friends is toxic especially when you are not a strong willed person or rely on others heavily to guide you. You wind up wasting precious time that can never be recovered and lose focus of what you wanted.

I am not saying you should not listen to advice, all I am saying is sometimes people do not understand what you are trying to achieve, they do not have the same vision as you, or your go getter attitude and thus advise you wrongly. Just because someone doesn’t understand your dream doesn’t mean it will not come to fruition. It can and it will.

Consult other like minded people, do your research and you will be fine. As much as you need those closest to you to believe in you, to believe in your dreams, they won’t always and that’s ok.

It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pursue it. It just means you will but without them cheering you on, without them to lean on. You find a different support system, one that encourages you. And sometimes, that support system is you. And if you want it, and work hard towards it, you will achieve it.

Keep an open mind, look for those that have done it before you and glean whatever knowledge you can from them. The saying stands true, “there is nothing new under the sun,” there’s just a different way of doing the same things.

As long as you are hard working, open minded and disciplined, you will achieve your goals and dreams. After all, success is the best revenge. You’re not doing it to serve revenge but you’re doing it for you. And that lack of belief in you just maybe the fuel you need to set out on the path to greatness.




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Queen of Procrastination or of Sheer Laziness

If you ask me why I procrastinate so much with pretty much everything in my life, I honestly wouldn’t have an answer for you. It seems that’s just the way it is (not a great answer I know but it is what it is).



Image via google


But when it comes to why I procrastinate on uploading posts on here, I honestly feel it’s both laziness and the need to find some form of perfection in what I do. This will be my downfall if I don’t continue working on it.

This post was written in 2014 I think. I even lost track of time. I finally decided to post it today because it cracks me up how my friend and I never seem to change in some aspects of our lives. Hopefully we will do better. We just have to. At some point.

Anyway, dive in. It is totally out of context but hey, I am already judging myself for it, I don’t your judgment as well (just kidding).

A few years ago, I stopped making New Year’s resolutions because I forgot them the day after making them. Six months into the new year and my friend would ask; “but I thought your new year’s resolution was to stop blah blah blah?” and I would just shrug and say meh.”

They were discarded every single time. So my new resolution then became “I will not make any new year’s resolutions and I never did. It has been at least three years now and it seems to have worked pretty well for me.

But then this time around I decided I want to make some resolutions because I need to make a turnaround in my life. And looking back at 2014, there are so many things that happened that could have been avoided.

But I am glad I went through them because I have learned from these experiences. 2014 has been a great year despite some of the heart ache, pain and loss. For every loss, there was a gain that I did not appreciate at that particular time. It is only now as I reflect that I realize this.

I was quick to feel the pain and wrap it around me like a warm comforting blanket and just wallow in the pain than acknowledge the gain from it. It is true, “for every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction.”

Anyway, before the New Year rolled around, I had a funny, honest conversation with my friend who lives on the other side of the world. Our conversation went something like this (I initiated);

“What resolutions are we making that will be forgotten a day after making them?”

Her response killed me; “Remain spring chicken by getting abs. Next?”

“No boys. I will eat healthy, no more junk food.”

Her response; “Let’s try to keep them realistic *Insert laughing emoji here*.”

“That’s as realistic as it gets,” I respond with laughing emojis.

Drink less alcohol.

“Yes, that too. More church and grow spiritually.”

Focus on growing our careers.

“And learn investment skills so we are not always broke and start saving.”

Buy less clothes and more sensible stuff like house stuff.

“Find a new hobby and learn a new thing.”

Get rid of old baggage for good.

“Find a mentor and be a mentee.”

And then it went off course as it was bound to;

Her: I can’t think of more things I know I should do but won’t do *insert laughing emoji*

Me: laughing-I’m like done too. Was racking my brain. Oh just remembered one. Blog consistently. I’m finally working on my blog.

Her: “Oh yes, that we can do. In fact we can even blog our resolutions. Great resolution, I like.”

I was actually writing this down to blog about which is how I remembered it as a resolution. Lol

“I have a draft blog as to lessons I learnt in 2014. Will post it when I have Wi-Fi (Struggles of living in a third world country).”

I have so many drafts along those lines too. Maybe I will consolidate them into one piece. And of course move it from my drafts folder and publish it *Laughs* I see progress already lol

Hahaha. How was your Christmas dinner?

And that is how we transitioned from resolutions to other fun things that will not be shared here. You can check out my friends blog on here;  She has a great blog. Happy reading!


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To The Guy I Met At The Mechanics… 

Hey tall, dark and handsome,
I hope you are well. We met at the mechanics about a week ago and we had a moment. An “I find you attractive moment and maybe…” That’s the best description I have for it. I told my friend about it and she thinks I shut it down. Because of my awkwardness and lack of social skills. See, when you walked in the room, you were nice. I was seated, face buried in the book I was reading. You greeted me and I looked up and my heart stopped (just kidding). I was like nice! In my mind of course. And I greeted you back and went back to the book because I have no behavior 😁. Of course I kept checking you out, out of the corner of my eye as I pretended to read (I forgot to turn the page to make it look like I was still reading-I have zero chill, I know).

Then you complimented my shoes and I of course, screeched thank you and fiddled with my feet. Because that’s how I act when complimented. I don’t know how to take a compliment. I feel overwhelmed by it or something. So back to the book it was. You completed your transaction with the mechanic and bid me good day and I you and that’s how you left and I kicked myself. Not that it did any good since you left already.
So, in case we were on the same page (I’m really hoping the moment wasn’t in my head), it’s not that I was shutting you down, I just don’t know how to act in real life.

 I’m great behind a screen. In fact I’m awesome behind a screen! But when faced with real life, I cower into this shell that renders me awkward, shy and plain old anti social. Which I’m not. Well, I am. Sometimes. Should I be saying this? Probably not. But anyway, the point of this is to say, there was a moment that I unconsciously shut down. And this wasn’t my intention. Not at all. Maybe our paths will cross again one day. Maybe not. The point is I am always told I shut down guys but honestly, half the time I don’t even realize someone is hitting on me. I am clueless like that. I have been accused several times over the years but I seem to not pick up this skill of deciphering when you’re being subtly hit on. I’m one of those you need to hit the nail on the head with. And hard. Otherwise, I am as clueless as they come.


I wrote this some time last year but my procrastination game was too strong so I am only just posting it now as I work on my draft folder. Side note, my former mechanic (I left him in the U.S) seemed to attract attractive clientele. I met someone I had a fling with there too lol. He did not do subtle, just came right out and told me he foudn me attractive and wanted to “talk”. Let’s just say I met some ‘interesting’ people at my mechanics. And I was there a lot, they always teased me about working there. I hope my new mechanic has this voodoo that attracts attractive people there so I am not so bored LOL.


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