The pain death brings
Sitting here, very still, I hold on so tight it hurts, waiting for this crashing wave to pass. The pain is so strong and takes forever to pass. I don’t know how, but I made it to the other side, with only tears rolling down my face. It hurts, like a physical blow to the mid riff. It feels like someone hit me so hard with a baseball bat and I lost my breath for a while. This is the pain I experience every time I allow myself to really think about what happened to you. So I don’t. I block my mind from thoughts about you. I prefer to believe that you are on vacation somewhere and enjoying yourself and you will be back soon. Because the truth is that I can’t handle the reality. Reality tells me that you are never coming back.
For one reason or the other, on this fateful day two years ago, you decided to go out and never came back. It was not your choice not to come back home, not to see us again or laugh with us. It was out of your hands. But somehow, I still blame you because it’s all I can do. It’s the human in me that keeps saying; you should have come home. You should have been more careful. You never should have answered His call. You should have said NO, or just done something to stay here, with us. You should have stayed away from the light! Do not go towards the light, fight it as hard as you can and just come back to us, and stay with us.
I am mad at you, at the world and at God. Because this is too painful. I can’t think of you without tearing up. I did not get a chance to say goodbye. In retrospect, I probably did. The weekend before you answered the Lord’s call, we had a lot of fun at Tkay’s birthday party. I remember hugging you and saying how much I missed you because I hadn’t been home in a while. School was busy and I spent the weekends there except that one Saturday that I decided to leave my school work hanging and celebrate with the family. It was like God was giving me, and everyone a chance to say good bye; to drink with you one last time, to celebrate with you one last time. We had a good time and I said to you right before I left, I will be home during the week. I miss you and you answered; I miss you my daughter, you haven’t been to see us in a long time. I know school is busy so work hard. I will see you this week.
It’s amazing how the week went by so fast and by Wednesday, I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted to come home and see you and the family. I packed my bags and started off. Before getting far, I realized I had an assignment due the following day around noon, and so I turned back. I was so mad at myself and school but there was nothing I could do.
Unfortunately, when Thursday noon came around, I got the devastating call about what happened. I didn’t believe it and continued with my work. I figured someone was pulling a prank on me. But it nagged me and I called your phone. No answer. I dialed it again, still no answer. I called someone from home and they confirmed what I had been denying. Everything I did after that, I did in a daze. I couldn’t comprehend what happened and like a robot, I prepared to come home. When I got to the gate, I still didn’t believe it. In my head, I was expecting to find you curled up on the couch watching a Nigerian movie. I would say hi and give you a big hug, put my back pack in the bedroom and hang out.
But that was not the case. Instead I was greeted with people crying. Once again, that wave of pain hit me and I couldn’t help it. All I could do was cry. I didn’t say bye. That hurt. No one said bye. You were here one second, and gone the next. With no warning whatsoever! Maybe it would have been different if you were sick but you were fine; in one piece.
It hurts really badly, but I will try not to dwell on the pain. I will remember the good times and cherish them; keep them close to my heart. I will strive to be as kind and happy as you were. You were an angel and touched many lives. Gone too soon but always remembered. You were not my biological mother, but you might as well have been. Every day, I miss you. But I know that one day, we will meet again. It’s not a scary thought anymore. If there is one thing that is certain, it’s that we are all going to die someday. We do not know when or how. This was clear in the manner in which you left us. And for this reason, I will cherish every day and strive to be the best I can, for I know not the day, nor the hour I shall join you. All I know is one day I will and may that day be a happy day for I will be with the angels and my heavenly father.
I still grieve for you but I try to remember the happy times too. Tears still pour but I try to laugh through the tears. Because you were such a cheerful person, it is not right for me to be forlorn every time I remember you. It is not easy, but we are trying.
Always at heart, Darlia, you are always in my thoughts. I love you so much.
Darlia Chinyama Kasia, May Your Soul Rest In Eternal Peace… Till we meet again.