“It’s not you, it’s me”

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Do I have commitment issues? The answer is yes. For a long time I denied this fact. But then two years straight of being single had me doing a soul search and trying to figure out what is wrong with me (I have flirted but nothing serious or lasting). Here is the thing; whenever I meet a guy I like, I am optimistic about it and think I am ready to conquer love. I feel so great and super excited about it.

Until he actually asks me out. When it is all fun and games, the whole flirting part, getting to know to you is always great and I am at my happiest and open. Make it official and I get cold feet. Literally. And it’s not like you proposed marriage, just me being your girlfriend. That just makes my heart skip faster and I feel like everything is spinning out of control.

I can’t breathe, can’t think straight. All I know is it scares the heck out of me. I do say yes of course, because I don’t want to be that jerk. But I end up being that jerk anyway. And when I say “it’s not you, it’s me,” it really is, no matter how cliché that is. I am damaged inside, somehow, somewhere and cannot hold a relationship for long. It really is me, not you.

 I cannot stand commitment. The longest I have been in a relationship was at least eight months. And this with someone I did not love at all. I wish I did feel something for him but I did not. I let it carry on for freaking eight months.

Somehow, I always told myself it would get better. You will love him. And don’t get me wrong, he is a great guy. Just not for me.  And admitting this does not make me feel better but it is one step to being a better me. The main reason he and I lasted that long is because of the great sex.  Overlooking everything just because you found a great lay is not the way to a great relationship. Maybe it is, what do I know?

He always had big dreams about us which I never shared. I felt crappy for that. So after a while I decided it was time to let go. Let him loose, to find someone who would love him. And it turned out to be the worst break up ever. Did shit I never thought I would ever do. But that is what happens when you lead someone on for so long. They fall in love with you and envision their forever with you. Whereas all you do is think about how you will get out of this one mess.

So yeah, back to my non commitment. I have a phobia when it comes to commitment. It has taken me this long to find that out. My friend always told me but I always figured she’s just nuts and a hopeless romantic. But she was right.

Some days I wake up and I can see myself doing the whole wifey mom thing. Other days, I can’t stomach the thought of committing to someone for even a year. So many things go through my mind when I think about all this. And as at now, I still cannot be with someone the way they would want me to be with them. I just cannot give myself to someone on that level.

And you are probably wondering how I ended up this way. I have thought about it too. It definitely isn’t one big thing. It is a series of little things that I blocked out of my mind and am only dealing with now. Like the death of my dad when I was 11 years old and my mom leaving for the U.S in the same year to try to keep up financially.

 Or it could be being witness to unfaithfulness in my various uncles marriages when I was only 14. Or it could be witnessing a lot of marriages falling apart when I was just a kid and it seeming like marriage was a hopeless endeavor. Or it could be my favorite aunt dying in that fatal car crash so suddenly and tragically.

It could be my ex cheating on me or is it him cheating on his girlfriend with me? Or is it me witnessing my cousins cheating on their girlfriends and still being okay with it? Or is it maybe my friends’ boyfriends hitting on me? (Not just one friend by the way).  I do not know what it is. It could a combination of all of the above or none of them at all. Maybe I was just wired like this.

But one thing I do know is that I have issues with commitment. It will take a strong, patient, kind person to break down my issues and fall in love with me, fight for me, for us to be together. Why you ask? Because despite being this broken, I am a decent person. I know I am.

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About KayCee

The About Me section is always the hardest part for me to do. I never seem to know how to fill it in but I will try. Here goes; I am a fun loving person who also happens to be somewhat anti-social. This is not deliberate, I just lack social skills. Anyway, I love to write about pretty much anything but I have dedicated this page to talking about my life with hyperhidrosis and how it affects the most mundane tasks. I love laughing. It can be annoying because people think I don't take them seriously when I laugh but I do. Laughter works as defense mechanism when I feel cornered or just cannot give an answer right away. Or when I really feel the need to laugh :) I am usually quiet til I know you. A bit of a cynic but I always try to see the good in people. I still believe in humanity at the same time wondering if we will make it. I am a walking contradiction apparently. And that is it about me. Happy reading! :)
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