This post was originally written created on 11/17/2014 and it has taken me exactly one month and one day to post it. I am working on this procrastination. But here is the reason for my silence on here;
So, from the last time I posted, I have been debating on what I want for my blog. What exactly do I want to write about, to share with the world? My answer basically was anything and everything that captures my attention, anything I spend time thinking about, anything I find funny, painful, worth discussing, etc. And this answer led me to my next question; do I want a specific theme or should it just be all over the place? Because my answer tells me that my posts will be random. And let’s face it, I am pretty random. I am not one of those people that have a clear focus on things and will take one path. I have been blessed to do that with academia in the sense that I actually do finish what I start and not change half way. But that is not the same in other areas of my life. Like blogging for instance. But I digress.
Making a decision on what I want my blog to look like has numbed me. I was at a road block and could not find a way out. I considered deleting the whole thing altogether. And with that thought realized I would lose the little likes I got on some and a few followers (yes, I do care about those things too). So I stewed over it and in the mean time, I wrote a few things but never posted them. Just kept them on my laptop figuring I will post them one day when I decide whether I will keep the blog as it currently is, random with no particular trajectory or create a new one and set a goal for it. Unfortunately for me, my laptop decided to die and with it take all my work (it’s always the times I don’t save my work on a thumb drive that my laptop decides to teach me a lesson and apparently, I never learn).
Anyway, it has been too long, almost a year since I last posted and this has gone on long enough. Today I woke up and decided I will continue with my current blog and just be consistent with posting. Clearly, I have not been consistent for one reason or the other. And that defeats the purpose of having a blog. I love to write but it has been much harder for me this year than it has ever been. I feel like I am losing my ability to write. Even my reading has paled. One of the simple pleasures I could always rely on were reading. I read anything I could lay my hands on. But now, reading seems more like a chore than a pleasure. I seem to have prioritized other things such as being a slave to TV shows than spending an hour reading.
I have pretty much taken a back seat to my life, existing on auto pilot and not engaging in anything. In a sense, I have taken on a defeatist position. I feel a sense of loss. And this loss is something I have struggled with in the last few months. It’s a loss of me, the person I was and the person I aspired to be. Now I just live and let life happen. I am no longer the ambitious go getter I was and wanted to be. Now I seem to be accepting that a mediocre life isn’t too bad, that not being able to find a job I particularly enjoy is fine and that I should be content with what I currently have.
A year ago, I wasn’t the person I just described above. I had goals and I was ambitious. And when someone told me I couldn’t do it that was enough motivation for me to go after it. I pushed myself and did things out of my comfort zone and I eventually enjoyed them. But somehow, somewhere down the line this year, I lost that zeal. I lost the drive that pushed me. I stopped dreaming, stopped believing. And with that, I became a couch potato. I gave up on exercise, cancelled my gym membership and pretty much gave up on work too. I went to work but with no motivation. It was so bad that I had to drag myself out of bed in the mornings. I dreaded going to work and this was not me. I am still in that phase but working on it. I am trying to wake my dreams up and work on them. I am a work in progress at the moment.