Dear Boyfriend

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At this particular moment, I am thinking of you. You have no idea that I am thinking about you or what I am thinking about you. It’s funny, I think of you when I wake up, I think of you when I am having a shitty day at work and need a hug, I think of you when I have free time at work, I think of you when I get off work, I think of you when I am sad and need a shoulder to cry on, I think of you on my way to work, I think of you on my way home, I think of you when I work out, I think of you when I have absolutely nothing to do, I think of you when I have a loaded day, I think of you before I sleep. I.Think.Of.You. I think of you way too much. At least I think it is way too much.

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I worry about you. I worry about how you are doing physically, how you are doing emotionally, how you are doing spiritually and how you are doing financially.

I wonder how you and I will make it considering the type of people we are, considering the type of person you are, considering the type of person I am.

I ask myself if I am enough for you, am I beautiful enough for you, am I smart enough for you, am I physically enough for you, am I emotionally enough for you, am I mentally enough for you, am I spiritually enough for you?

Can you handle me at my best, handle me at my worst, handle me at my strongest, handle me at my most vulnerable, handle me at my happiest, handle me at my saddest, handle me at my stressed?

Can I handle you at your worst, handle you at your best, handle you at your weakest, handle you at your happiest, handle you at your saddest, handle you at your stressed, handle you at your bitter, and handle you at your vulnerable?

Will I ever measure up physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially and mentally? Will you ever measure up physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially and mentally?

Truth is I know the answer to the questions I ask myself regarding me handling you, you being enough for me, and you measuring up. What I do not know is if I will be enough for you. That is what keeps me up at night; Wondering if I, as I am will ever be enough for you.

Will you be content with me as I am? Do I have to lose weight, gain weight, make more money, make less money, wear more perfume, wear less perfume, use more make-up, use less make-up, change my sense of style, learn to wear heels which I hate, change every aspect of my being to suit you?

Will I have to do any or all of the above or do I just have to be me? These are the things that run through my mind constantly, crippling me, depressing me, and sending me into a vulnerable state, questioning everything you tell me.

You tell me you love me, I ask you why and what you love about me. You tell me you like who I am, the good and the bad and I ask why and how? Why do you love me? What do you love about me? How can you love me? I question everything you feel, everything you tell me. I don’t do this because I don’t trust you.

I do this because I don’t trust myself. I don’t see what you see in me. I see the opposite of you see. I have hated myself physically, emotionally, mentally for so long that your sweet words seem too good to be true.

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Sometimes I feel completely worthless. Will you handle me then, love me then, care for me then and want me then?

So, now my question to you is; “will you love me knowing I have more than enough insecurities to build a little island? Knowing I have such low self-esteem issues it would be easier for you to love someone else? Will you stay through my bad, through my messiest moments, trying to understand why you chose me, wanting you to stay and pushing you away at the same time? Will you be able to handle my good and ugly?”

I know for a fact I get ugly. Not because I choose to, not because I want to push you away but because it is my reality. “Will you love me through the ugly? Will you hold my hand and show me, make me feel otherwise?”

Because if you will love me knowing it gets pretty bad without you doing a single wrong thing, then I promise you this; “I may be damaged, maybe vulnerable, maybe battling self-esteem issues, maybe battling anxiety and depression, maybe battling all the curve balls that life throws at me, but I will commit to being the best me I can be for you. For you, I promise to try, because that is all we can do. TRY.”

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I am deciding right now; I will TRY

###

K.C

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About KayCee

The About Me section is always the hardest part for me to do. I never seem to know how to fill it in but I will try. Here goes; I am a fun loving person who also happens to be somewhat anti-social. This is not deliberate, I just lack social skills. Anyway, I love to write about pretty much anything but I have dedicated this page to talking about my life with hyperhidrosis and how it affects the most mundane tasks. I love laughing. It can be annoying because people think I don't take them seriously when I laugh but I do. Laughter works as defense mechanism when I feel cornered or just cannot give an answer right away. Or when I really feel the need to laugh :) I am usually quiet til I know you. A bit of a cynic but I always try to see the good in people. I still believe in humanity at the same time wondering if we will make it. I am a walking contradiction apparently. And that is it about me. Happy reading! :)
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