Yes, you read that right. Below is a conversation I had some time last year with my gynecologist.
Doc: “Are you sexually active?”
Me: “Ummmm (why do I always feel like this is a trick question?) *scratches head* Yes”.
Doc: “Do you use protection?”
Me: “Yes.” *In my mind I am wondering what next; she seems to be all up in my business. For some reason, I am uneasy and start to get defensive for no apparent reason.*
Doc: “How many sexual partners do you have?
Me: (*Ummm what do I look like to you, a nymphomaniac?*) One.
Doc: “So you use protection every time?”
Me: *Define every time because I think that one time we started without it and then remembered… “Yes.”
Doc: “Do you want to get pregnant?”
Me: “NO.” (Insert indignant look here).
Doc: “Do you want to get on birth control?”
Doc: “Have you ever used birth control before?”
Doc: “And you don’t want to get pregnant?”
Me: *That’s pretty much what I said the first time you asked me. That’s not going to change now* “RIGHT.”
Doc: “That’s a dangerous game u’re playing. Do you always use protection?”
Me: “Ummmm.YES.” (Well that escalated quickly).
Doc: “Don’t lie to me.”
Me: “But IM NOT LYING.”
Well, technically I wasn’t lying. Since I had a new partner, I never had sex with him without protection. Ever. I had slipped up once before him but since he came along, it’s been condoms all the way. Well, except that one time we started without it but had it on during so it really doesn’t count. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight? I thought so.
I have nothing against birth control pills but I refused to take them. Not for any religious reasons or anything along those lines. It was mainly because I do not like to take medicine orally. And I didn’t trust any of the other kinds of birth control.
The pills are a big deal for me. Aside from the weight gain that’s usually associated with these pills, I didn’t want any of the side effects. Therefore I decided I would go the condom way. And consistently use them at the right time, thus protecting myself against STIs. Just in case. You never know.
But I was “forced” to get on them. See, for the last six months, I have been experiencing excruciating pain in my abdomen, from the belly button going down during sexual intercourse. The pain kept getting worse and six months down the line, I sought help. And since the doctors couldn’t figure out the cause of the pain, I was put on birth control pills. “Take them for three months and see what happens,” they said.
At the time, my gynecologist wondered out loud if I wasn’t sleeping with gigantaur. Basically, my eyes popped out of my sockets for a second. I realized he was serious and responded with a weak nooo, and silently adding an ‘I hope not’.
Good ole doc suggested I sleep with someone else too just to rule out current sex partner as source of pain due to extra large manhood.
I just sat there with my mouth open like oh.