Letting go of a-once-upon-a-time-great friendship

A friend face book messaged me today (yesterday) to see how I am doing. She and I barely talk these days. After the courtesy check on each other’s lives, we have nothing more to talk about. It’s always the same old, how’s work, what’s new with you? And always the same answers; work is okay, same old. No change here.” This isn’t true at all. Because there have been changes, things going on but somewhere along the line, we lost that connection and now try to find words to fill the void. If you had told me eight years ago that this is what our friendship would be reduced to, I would have laughed in your face.

She and I were tight, always knew everything about each other and called each other with the most mundane stories. We had that bond between us that I thought could not be broken. She became like a little sister to me, being that she’s younger than me. My family knew her and she attended most family events and I did the same with her family. I became part of her family just as she became part of mine. She could visit my sister even when I wasn’t around and I did the same with hers. We were inseparable. We were for at least three years anyway.

I would like to say that we drifted apart because I moved across continents and landed in the USA while she remained in Zambia. But that would be a lie. Our relationship came under fire when we were still in the time zone, when we were still in school. And it was over a boy. Much as I hate to admit it, that’s what happened. All I can do is tell my side of the story, as I experienced it, as I saw it. I cannot tell you her side. That’s for her.

I dated a guy she apparently had a crush on. When the guy asked me out, she was the first one to know. Before I agreed to date him, I told her about it and she was all “Go for it!” and seemingly excited (I am that friend that’s always single in the group so when I finally told her about him she expressed enthusiasm though I’m not sure how legit it was anymore). Anyway, long story short, I dated the guy. In the course of the relationship, I found out that she (*Kay) and then boyfriend (*Jay) had been communicating before he asked me out and had promised each other some French kissing the next time they met. I was unaware of this communication then and she did not say a thing when she learned he had asked me out.

So, me being the fool in the equation talked about it with them both and asked her why she did not say she liked the guy and told me she did not and that she was already seeing someone when they were communicating.

Ummmm okay, yes you have a boyfriend but you still went ahead and made this little promise. Didn’t it occur to you that I, as your friend, not just any friend, best friend, would have loved to be privy to this information so I don’t turn out to be the ass that dates her friends crush or whatever he was to you? Apparently not. So I broke it off with boyfriend after a series of arguments.

I did not however hold a grudge against Kay. It was all water under the bridge. For me it was. She suddenly became distant and pretty much isolated herself from all of our mutual friends, myself included. It took a while to get back to being friends again but by then the damage was apparent and we were not so close anymore. I tried to fix it. I love to fix things and I hate losing friends, especially over something as silly as a boy. It irks me and I try to do my best to fix things. Especially when I am in the wrong. Even when I am not, I do my best to fix things. This one never got fixed tough. We mended it with tape but the tape has clearly reached its shelf life and can no longer bind the fragments that constitute our relationship.

And now, eight years later, we are searching for words to fill the void, each word clearly feeling forced. So, instead of forcing a friendship that died, I have decided to let it go. Because sometimes that’s all you can do. Let it go. Before it starts to weigh you down like excess baggage. Not every friendship is meant to last a lifetime. And when you find those that have the potential to last a lifetime, work hard at keeping them alive, but not so hard that you are always stressed over them. Once it becomes a chore, it just might be time to let it go. I do miss our friendship but after trying so many times, one has no choice but to let it go and move on.

KayCee