Sometimes, sadness creeps up on you at your happiest moments, suddenly wiping that excitement bubbling inside of you. It warns you not, just hauling you off the peak of the mountain, dropping you straight down into the darkest, unfriendly valleys with no pause or remorse. Its moments like these that I curse death.
It’s always when you are feeling good, finally in a better place and getting stronger, living day to day without the heart rending pain and no tears falling constantly that it strikes. It rears its ugly head and reminds you of your loss; It reminds you of what it took from you, what you can no longer have.
I was reminded of the cruelty of death yesterday. I have a road trip this Wednesday from Chicago to Virginia and I am pretty excited about it because this will be my very first long road trip (the longest I have ever done up until this point is nine hours). So I started packing Sunday night and by pack I really do just mean throw my clothes on the bed and floor, trying to figure out to wear, what would work as back up and all that. Needless to say, this effort proved futile because nothing was packed and it still waits for me to pack it this evening though chances are the packing will really be done on the day of.
Reason for this post is the memories and pain packing for trips triggers. I lost one of my closest aunts to a road traffic accident and it will be five years this October but it still feels like yesterday when the memories and pain start rolling in. She was among the nicest people I ever knew and I lived with her for a while during which time she would pack for all the kids (and by kids I mean adults who were between the ages of 18-23) whenever we took trips.
I was forced to learn how to pack after her death because no one else would indulge a grown assed lady and pack for them (except my mom of course when we are in the same zip code). And last night, as I was struggling with packing, I was racked with memories of her scolding me about my nonexistent packing skills and her taking over and this just rendered me useless to the world of packing and eventually abandoned every effort, deciding to try again tomorrow. I really do hate what death brings about. It sucks major. They say it gets easier with time, but it doesn’t really. We just learn to live with and through it because we have to.